Archive for the ‘Wrestling’ Category

Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 71 – The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act IIb)

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Volume Seventy-One

The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act IIb)



Prime Time: Alright, fellas. We need to get in touch with our boys state-side. Anybody have some contact info we can use to do so?

ChrisBear: Well, Shane and I like to get pissed and talk about oiled men rolling around in their underthings.

Granddad Tommy: And you wonder why people think you’re an arse bandit?

Prime Time: Well then, give him a call. Can you put it on speaker phone?

ChrisBear: That I can.

ChrisBear hits Send on his cell phone and places it on the hood of Prime Time’s car. The men are all silent as they hear the phone ring once… Twice… A third time…


Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 70 – The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act II)

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

Volume Seventy

The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act II)



Shane turns the key and starts the engine of the van as the other six men prepare to leave.

Current Big Thing: Shotgun!

YourAyatollah: My ass! Head to the back of the bus, Ms. Parks.

Uncle Joe: Dude, that’s fucked up. Hustle’s Black.

Hustle: Damn.

Morpheus: Somebody take this sword from me before I do something we all regret.


Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 69 – The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act I)

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

Volume Sixty-Nine (heh heh heh heh)

The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse: The Movie (Act I)


The scene opens with Morpheus sitting at his computer, typing frenetically. The camera zooms in to focus on the words appearing on the screen.


Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 68 – The Rant Zone: The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

Volume Sixty-Eight

The Rant Zone: The Hardy Zombie Apocalypse


I want to preface this by stating some things up front. I am a fan of Matt Hardy. I am a fan of Jeff Hardy. I find that they are entertaining to watch when they wrestle, and are capable of putting on decent matches. They are good workers, and oftentimes have gone the extra mile in putting their well-beings on the line to give the fans memorable moments.

That said, I think it’s just about time that these two Boyz shut the fuck up.


Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 67 – The End Of The Innocence

Saturday, October 9th, 2010

NOTE: Every month in the LOP Columns Forum, there is a vote to determine which columnist had the best month out of all the writers in the forum. The winner of Columnist of the Month is then given the opportunity to post one of their columns on the Main Page. In August, the honor was bestowed upon Morpheus for the fourth time. The posting of his column was delayed a bit by the recent birth of his daughter, but here it is, better late than never. The winner of the September COTM contest is Shane, and he will be posting his column in the near future, hopefully without the same extreme delay that plagued Morpheus.

You go to LOP looking for more news regarding the new series being-pitched-by-slash-starring Hulk Hogan, so you can be sure to avoid the hell out of it, when you notice a new link in the Columns section. You recognize the name, and decide to click on the link to see what’s inside. As soon as you do so, your computer screen explodes into a dazzling array of colors, swirling hypnotically before you. After a few seconds, the colors seem to swirl together to form the shape of an hourglass, and you watch, transfixed, as it begins to turn over and the rainbow sand begins falling from the upper chamber. As the first grains hit the bottom, you feel yourself slip from consciousness as you once again begin to…

Volume Sixty-Seven

The End Of The Innocence


Welcome, Dreamers, to the landmark Sixty-Seventh Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. It certainly has been a good long time since the last time we danced here on Lords of Pain, hasn’t it? It’s been an eventful couple of years here in the life of the Dream Master. Having finally finished school, I moved with my new wife to Japan, where I am working as a Geophysics Professor, and she is working on recovering from having our first child just two weeks ago. That is right; the child spoken of in the prophecy has come. She has risen from the depths of legend to restore the balance between good and awesome. Hold your banners high and raise the fist of the Metal child!


Enter The Dream Realm: Rebirth – Vol. Three: With Arms Wide Open / I Hope You Dance

Sunday, August 29th, 2010

You are awakened by the feel of cool water against your lips, and you swallow hungrily, trying to quench a thirst you didn’t know you had. You open your eyes, and once again see the man standing over you. You ask who he is, and he smiles, saying you already know. He reaches over for the light an turns it back off, casting the room in darkness. “This is it, we’re almost finished. It’s time for your Rebirth. I’ll see you on the other side.” You start to ask what he means, but find the words won’t come as you feel your grip on lucidity begin to fade. Your eyes flutter in the blackness as you slip from consciousness, and once again begin to…

Rebirth – Vol. Three:

With Arms Wide Open / I Hope You Dance


The week of January 18, 2010 was the biggest week of my life thus far. On that Monday, I had interviewed for the open professorship position in the Geodynamics Research Center where I was working as a Post-Doctoral Research Fellow. I figured it was a courtesy interview, as I knew I was up against 27 older candidates with more experience, and I also knew I was hindered by my inability to speak Japanese. I took it all in stride and just gave the best interview I could, figuring at the end of the day it would at least be experience I could use in the future. It’s always good to practice one’s promo skills.


Enter The Dream Realm: Rebirth – Vol. Two: The Spirit Carries On

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

You awaken from a deep sleep as you feel yourself land softly on the mattress of your bed. The room is pitch black, and you still have the bright flash from your computer monitor in your eyes, preventing you from seeing anything. You reach over and turn on the lamp in your room, and rub your eyes to clear them. When you open your eyes, you see the man you noticed standing over you before seated in the chair next to your bed. As you open your mouth to protest, he raises a hand and says, “We’re not finished yet. You will see, in time.” He smiles and snaps his fingers, causing you to become light-headed. Your vision begins to blur, and you lay back down as you slip from consciousness, and once again begin to…

Rebirth – Vol. Two:

The Spirit Carries On


“Where did we come from? Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?
What lies beyond? And what lay before?
Is anything certain in life?”
All lyrics from Dream Theater – The Spirit Carries On

One of the universal truths that we have to come to embrace during our relatively short existence on this planet is that everything has a beginning and an end. As much as many of us may wish it were so, nothing truly lasts forever. The moment any living creature on Earth draws its first breath, the countdown clock begins to tick away the seconds leading up to its last. It is the natural order of things, and though we may rail against it at times, there is nothing that we can do to stop it. However, where the soul meets the science, there is some solace that can be taken in this fact.


Enter The Dream Realm: Rebirth – Vol. One: My Naveed (Part 2)

Monday, August 16th, 2010

You shoot bolt upright, waking from a deep Dream, and find yourself on the floor next to your computer. You look around and find bright colored light coming from your monitor. As you reach up to turn it off, another bright white light issues forth, with a force behind it that knocks you back to the floor. As your vision blurs and begins to fade, you see a man step over you and smile. He whispers the words, “Sweet Dreams,” as you slip from consciousness, and once again begin to…

Rebirth – Vol. One:

My Naveed (Part 2)


Link to Rebirth – Vol. One – My Naveed (Part 1)

“And I can’t live here anymore,
But it’s hard when you reach for that floor.
There’s something that tears me inside, so I can’t go.”
All lyrics from Our Lady Peace – Naveed

What do you do when the one thing that is causing you pain is the only thing that can take it away?


Enter The Dream Realm: Rebirth – Vol. One: My Naveed (Part 1)

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

You go over to the LOP Columns Forum to check up on the latest happenings in the LOPNXT competition when you see something strange; something that you seem to recall, as if from a former life, bringing back images of days gone by. You go to click the link that is evoking such vivid memories, but your monitor dies and goes to black. As you lean forward to check the power connection, it comes back on of its own volition, releasing a flash of brilliant white light. Before you know what has happened, you slump down in your chair as you slip from consciousness, and once again begin to…

Rebirth – Vol. One:

My Naveed (Part 1)


Naveed – Boy’s name of Persian/Farsi origin, meaning “Good News.”

Wrestling. It’s the reason we’re all here. It’s the one thing that unites each and every one of us who visit this site. It’s the one thing that ties us together, no matter what our opinions or other interests are. Regardless of where we are from, what we do for a living, how old we are, or the color of our skin, we all found our way to this site because at some point in our lives we loved wrestling enough to want more than what we saw on our televisions every week. In some of us, that love has soured and turned to feelings of frustration and at times outright disgust. In some others, the love that first brought us here has waned and grown dim, yet we continue to come here because it’s what we know, and where we feel accepted. Still others disappear entirely. At different times, I have fallen into all three of these categories.

And yet, somehow, here I am again.


Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 54 – The Rant Zone: You’re All Fucking Hypocrites

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

Enter The Dream Realm

Volume Fifty-Four

The Rant Zone: You’re All Fucking Hypocrites


Welcome, Dreamers, to the Fifty-Fourth Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. I gotta say upfront that I have been behind on the emails for the last week, but I’ll be rectifying that over the next day or two. It’s been a real shitfest at work, and I am definitely reaching my wit’s end. It really puts me in an “F That In The A” kind of mood. To top it all off, here I was waiting to post this today so that Random and I would alternate posting weeks, and he went and posted this week anyway. Good for him, but what a bitch. Thanks fucker.

Anyhow, later this week, likely Sunday, look for the return of the Monday Night Countdown. We’ll be recording the show Saturday afternoon this week, and hopefully it will go off without too many hitches. There are a few reasons we didn’t do one this past Monday, one of them being I was sick, and another major one being that since we did one AFTER the last RAW, we would only have ECW, TNA, and SD to talk about, which would have led to a stripped down MNC, which we didn’t want. But we’ll be back at it and better than ever this week. Now, enough banter, it’s time to get to it. Hopefully you will find this Fifty-Fourth sojourn through the Dream Realm both enlightening and entertaining. So, without any further ado, let the Dreams begin!


- RVD is back! RVD is back! I guess the pot finally wore off. Seriously, anyone else think it’s funny that he was suspended for exactly the amount of time it takes for the active ingredient in marijuana, THC, to work itself out of the system naturally?

- Umaga is my new overweight Samoan hero. Every needs to have one, and he’s mine. No offense to Samoa Joe, but he’s not nearly as overweight. This Umaga cat is really turning some heads these days, and I’ve heard both good and bad things about it. Some people say he’s terrible in the ring. Are they watching the same matches? This guy can fucking move for being the size of a small trailer. I’m hiring him next time I move instead of U-Haul. Belee dat.

- I have to say one quick thing regarding the vampire schtick going on with ECW. At first, I thought it was going to be a huge bust. Turns out I was right, but in a very different and pleasing way. Ariel, if you’re reading this, I love you. I love you a lot. Marry me. That is all.

The Rant Zone: You’re All Fucking Hypocrites

You know, as a general rule, I am not one to hold a serious grudge for any length of time. Even some of the more egregious wrongs that have been lobbed at me over the years tend to roll off me within a certain prescribed amount of time. Generally the amount of time that takes is proportional to the magnitude of the initial fuckery, sometimes multiplied by a bitch factor, depending on my general state of mind during that time period. However, despite my overall easygoingness and my willingness to take people with a grain of salt and forgive my fellowman for his sins, there is one glaring statement that has been beating down the inner halls of my subconscious prattling for the last several weeks…

You’re all fucking hypocrites.

Yes, that’s right. You. Right there. Chances are quite high that I am speaking, or more correctly, typing, directly to/at you. If it turns out you’re not a hypocrite after reading on and finding out why I am saying this, then I sincerely apologize.

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but it has never ceased to amaze me how quickly people can shift allegiances once the opportune moment presented itself, oftentimes flying directly in the face of the deep-rooted philosophical viewpoints espoused so vigorously only moments before. One shining example of this is something that back in high school we referred to as “frontrunning.” This phenomenon was when someone traditionally was not a fan of a particular sports team, let’s use for example the Miami Dolphins, but then suddenly became their number one fan once the team started to show signs of success and domination.

I would like to note here for all of you reading that I know jack and shit about sports, so whether or not the Miami Dolphins ever did well will be lost on me. They were merely the first team I could think of at the time. They’re a football team, right?

Anyway, this phenomenon of frontrunning became somewhat of a prevalent thing while I was in high school in good ol’ Kingston, NY. Kingston’s a funny place. If people there can’t find a good reason to hate you, then they make up a shitty one so they can hate you anyway. Things like hair color, choice of music, athletic ability (or lack thereof), intellectual ability (the lack thereof was considered cool by these bags of douche), skin color (but only if you’re white), economic status, and newly added to the list of meaningless reasons for burning hatred, frontrunning. Now, as I have established already, I am not what one would even remotely consider a sports fan, so I was safe from the hatred on those grounds. However, being a poor, fat, white, red-headed honor student who bled pure Metal meant that… Well, you do the math.

Being a wrestling fan didn’t help either. I was fucked from the word go…

Anyhow, back on topic. Frontrunning ended up becoming one of the number one cardinal sins at my high school, and even in many cases provoked violence by, get this, people who considered themselves true fans of the same teams. To place an even more glaringly obvious spotlight on this cesspool of ricockulosity (new word, ©), that would be like two douchebags at Yankee Stadium starting a fight with two other douchebags at Yankee Stadium because they were fans of the Yankees first. Not that it’s never happened before, but it’s still fucking stupid.

So where exactly am I going with all this business on frontrunning? I should perhaps clarify what I meant to say in my blanket statement:

You’re all fucking frontrunners.

Seriously, take a look at all of the shit you’ve all talked over the last few years. Search back through your emails, posts, and chats and look at some of the vile things you’ve said regarding some particular wrestling personalities in the past. Then I want you to take a good, long look in the mirror and answer me a simple question.

Where’s all the Triple H hate now, guys?

It has always amazed me that the single biggest point of contention that people have had with me since I started writing columns almost 2 years ago is the fact that Triple H is my favorite wrestler, and has been for quite some time. I have heard every possible insult in the book, from I clearly don’t know anything about wrestling or else I wouldn’t like him, to OMG u r teh sux0rz bcuz Tripel H is laem, lolz!!!21!!!!@111 Now, I sit back and watch as the same people who felt it their duty as a citizen of this planet to ridicule me for liking HHH are singing his praises.

Allow me to say again, you’re all fucking hypocrites.

Let’s take a look at some of the most common complaints surrounding the man known as Hunter Hearst Helmsley. First and foremost, people used to love to jack their jaws about the fact that the only reason he is ever champion is because he is diddling the boss’s daughter. I find this to be one of the most idiotic statements ever uttered by beings with which I share a species. Take a look at the history books, assjacks; Triple H was WWE Champ 4 times before he even started dating Stephanie behind Chyna’s back. I do believe this would make all of the chumps who pull this one out of their asses what we in the business call either “wrong,” or “fucking stupid.”

Another thing that always got under my skin was when people said that he was using his backstage pull to keep himself in the Main Event scene. F that in the A with a big rubber D. You take a look at the RAW scene these past few years and name one person who could have stepped into the position he held as top heel and done anywhere near as good a job. I thought so, now kindly take your seat and continue shutting the fuck up.

Still, these complaints have little relevance at the current time, since people have seemed to shut up about it of late, and he hasn’t held the title in over a year. I only bring it up because idiocy in general really irks the fuck out of me, and needed to bring it to people’s attention before I had an aneurysm or threw myself into oncoming traffic.

One of the most common complaints I have seen lobbed in Triple H’s direction over the ages, and the one that points out the ridiculous extent of your glaring hypocrisy, is the fact that whether or not he is chasing the title, he always hogs up TV time and is consistently hovering in and around the main event, presumably thanks to his aforementioned backstage clout. I’m not going to go to great lengths to try to debunk this one, but I am going to say this: when he was off of RAW for a couple months last year, you know you missed him. If you deny it, you’re only lying to yourself. Punch yourself in the throat three times and take a moment to castrate yourself with a butter knife or perhaps a plastic cafeteria spork. Until you realize how lame and retarded it is to lie to yourself and other people over the internet about how you feel toward a wrestler, you don’t deserve to have the ability to breed. Or speak. Hence the throat punches.

What truly amazes me about this statement is that it has abruptly stopped being thrown around like a softball at a drunken family picnic like it used to be. Yet really, what has changed? People used to bitch and moan at length and without end that Triple H was always in the Main Event, and he was holding younger talent down. Well, welcome to RAW in the here and now, people. Triple H has been involved with the Main Event picture there for the last SEVERAL weeks, and what has his involvement been?

Teaming up with Shawn Michaels to beat down 5-7 other dudes, depending on the week.

Five guys who are new to the WWE, trying to ply their trade and make a name for themselves in a cut-throat industry are repeatedly having their asses handed to them by HHH in the RAW Main Event. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t that be the DEFINITION of HHH hogging up the Main Event and holding younger talent down? Unless you spend most of your days riding on the short bus or smoking copious amounts of rock, the answer to that question is yes.

So, if the situation hasn’t changed any, and in all actually that statement has become even more appropriate, why have people turned away from their H-hating ways and embraced him as the next best thing since tits?

Easy. It’s because they’re all fucking hypocrites.

These same people who hated Trips for his supposed spotlight hogging, holding down talent, and just being a prick in general are now all about him because he now throws out some dick jokes every week on RAW. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like dick jokes as much as the next guy, and I like Triple H probably multiple times more than the next guy, but for this to be the main reason for changing one’s opinion of him would be ludicrous.

Luckily, it’s not the main reason; it’s only the surface veneer. If you look deeper, you’ll see the true reason is much more ridiculous, in a completely retarded way. You see, these internet wrestling fans that we all refer to as “smarks” like to think that they’re somehow inherently better than the average fan, referred to as “marks” by industry insiders. These people consider themselves above the petty vicissitudes of wrestling, and feel they are far too smart to buy into some of the more entertainment-oriented aspects of the product.

That’s why they get so pissed off when they do.

Fact is, people, Triple H has spent the majority of the last several years as a heel, and he’s done a fan-fucking-tastic job at it too. Heels are supposed to make you want to hate them, and there are few people in the business who can do that as easily or with such grace as Trips. Now, these smarks are sitting there, watching RAW, and as they watch, they start to hate Triple H; for all the right reasons. He’s doing his job excellently as a heel and sparking hatred in even the most hardened of hearts. This sets off a chain reaction within the brain chemistry of the smark: “Wait, I can’t just hate him because that’s what I’m supposed to do! I am way to smart for that! There has got to be something more to it…”

Enter Stephanie McMahon. Everything that people ever loved to hate about this man was instantly justified outside of the realm of pure entertainment because now the only reason he is in the spotlight has nothing to do with his talent or years of service, and is entirely based on the fact that he is diddling the boss’s daughter, which gives him an inordinate amount of stroke in the decision making process. Now these smarks suddenly had a reason that was worthy of their massive wrestling acumens, and their hatred was vindicated.

But now, they feel less hatred toward this man because a ways back, he started to show signs of turning face. Then, he went full-on face with the reformation of one of the most-loved factions of all time; D-Generation X. It’s amazing what a few dick jokes, a pile of shit, and a few moonings can do for one’s public opinion ratings.

Of course, it helps when the people you’re dealing with are fucking hypocrites.

Now that you’ve read through this little tirade of mine, I thank you for taking the time to do so. If you were one of the people who liked Triple H all along, or even one of those people who didn’t like him, but for the right reasons, then this doesn’t apply to you, and I apologize for lumping you in with the unwashed masses. Any others out there who used to talk this smarky bullshit smack about Triple H, but have since silenced because he’s funny now, you’re a fucking hypocrite, and this one goes straight out to you. Consider your punk cards duly dealt. Of course that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong…

But I’m not.


- It’s official. TNA can’t follow through with ANYTHING. First, they drop the ball after Rhino’s kick ass gauntlet-throwing speech, then they stall Joe’s push, and now… NOW they have Samoa Joe, Monty Brown, and Rhino embroiled in a three-way feud. I’d hate to tell you guys, but in that type of feud, only one guy wins. These are the three guys who deserve big pushes of their own, and now one of them, if not two, is going to hit a wall, big time. If Joe comes out NOT on the winning end here, there is something ridiculously wrong with TNA’s booking team.

- My cable box isn’t getting enough signal from the lower channels, so I’ve gotten nothing but a garbled mess in place of SmackDown! for the past two weeks. Now, ordinarily I might say that is an improvement, but now that Booker’s the Champ, and Batista’s back, I actually want to watch. Oh, the irony.

- If I see one more DQ fucking finish in ECW, I am going to rip someone’s larynx out and blow through it to mimic their voice saying “Vince is a huge douche.” The attraction of the old ECW was the simple fact that anything went, all the time. Just because weapons were legal didn’t mean they were required, but they sure as hell weren’t banned. These finishes are starting to seriously fuck with my Chi.

Vanishing Vagaries

  • Ariel makes my pants tight. Halloween Playboy Edition. Make it so.
  • You smarky bitches out there are all fucking hypocrites. Consider yourselves owned.
  • Booking in TNA is almost as sad as having DQ finishes in ECW.

This brings to a close this Fifty-Fourth Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. Any feedback you have, as always, would certainly be greatly appreciated and can be sent to me via email at I hope that those of you that haven’t yet will take the time to check out some of the great writers we have in the LOP Columns Forum. Until the next time we do this, sleep well, and I’ll see you in your Dreams!